I’m tired guys. Not just physically or mentally, but in every way imaginable. I’m tired of living. And I’m not that old… But every once in a while I just get tired of being here. So today, while sitting in bed thinking… I realized I had been thinking about my funeral. And what it would be like for me and for others if I we! ren’t here anymore. I realized that I’d thought out all the details… Down to the polish on my nails. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We need to know how we want our funeral services to be… But it is a bad thing that I’d rather not be here so often. Logically speaking, I know that God loves me and I know he knows I love him. I know where I’m going when I die and most of the time I’d rather just go ahead and go. It’s a REAL struggle for me. Am I alone?
Im grateful that God loves me enough to grant me more days here and I’m grateful that he keeps giving me another chance to get it right but it’s exhausting. The fight for freedom from my old ways and things from my past that try to hold me back. It’s exhausting. Being tempted. Trying to be patient. Trying to survive. Trying to get people to see me for me and not for who they THINK I am or should be. It’s tiring.
This is a different kind of post than my usual upbeat post. But I wanted to share my reality and get it all out and hopefully inspire someone. Hopefully someone will see that their not alone. You aren’t. We all have moments and even as I sit here not sure of all the answers I know that the thing that keeps me here is knowing that somewhere somebody needs Jamie. The world needs me in some way. That’s why I’ll keep fighting even when I’m tired way past my limit. Somebody needs you too. There is something in this world that YOU were created for. Something that only YOU can do… Keep fighting through the frustration. Keep fighting through whatever pain from your past that seems to just follow you. Fight. Fight through your mistakes. You’re bigger than them. Fight for you… A happy you.
You’re worth it.
Hey! Listen. There’s help if you need it… Don’t be too proud. We need you.
1800 273 8255
That’s the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Use it if you need to.